Intuition and desire

It was the most magical feeling.  Holding a published book in my hand that I wrote.  A book that was to go on to change the world.  A creative, optimistic, spiritual book that allowed poeple to not only fall in love with the aspects of themselves they didn’t like, but came to love and cherish those parts and being the doorway to themselves.  It’s funny how I knew right for writing the first word of that book that I was answering a calling, a long, old calling that had whispered in my ear for as long as I could remember.  The day I started writing it all else fell away.  I had a sense of presence like nothing before. There was no anziety, there was no trying, there was no hard work, no pushing, no stress.  It called itself out of me is the only way I could describe it.  I knew when it started and I knew when it fishished and then the world opened itself up to me to become published. I met people by seeming miracle.  Opporutunities came pouring in.  The book started selling.  The world opened itself up and listened.  It is my legacy to this planet.  It was amazing to me how it happened.  One day I just sat down and wrote it.  It took a month.  Then of course it got edited.  I got three offers from the first round of publishers that I approached.   Magazines got wind of it, I was on the morning tv, I was in NY, I was all over the world all of a sudden.  That was the enormity of it.  Now, as you know, I spend my life giving talks, holding seminars and spreading the teachings from my book. It is a privelidged life.  It is full of love and fun.  Nothing makes me happier than knowing all the people I have touched through my work.  Hearts have been mended.  A more spiritual planet has emerged and I have been part of it.

 

On another note I want to spend a minute cleaning up my vibration.   I am feeling frustrated about my career.  I’m not having as much financial success as I’d like.  It make me feel like I’m doing the wrong thing in the world.  Like I should be doing something I’m not.  That the universe is trying to give me a message that I’m not hearing. Or that I’m trying to create something that is impossible for me to create.  So what I’m really feeling is a lack of power to create.  And this lack of power to create makes me feel like freud.  And it makes me feel frustrated that what I know intellectually is not translating into practice.  So I’m not trusting myself. I”m not trusting my thinking and I’m not trusting the things I believe in.  And underneath that I have a sense of guilt.  Of guilt that I’m not contibuting.  So, there are two things going on with me.  I”m feeling guilty about not contributing and feeling frustrated that I can’t manifest what I want as fast as I’d like.  So let me pick at this and see if I can find some better feeling thoughts about what I’m experiencing right now.  Lets take the last one first.  I’m frustrated that I’m not selling as many paintings as I’d like to right now.  And I can’t make that change right this very minute.  But I can give myself a break.  I can remember that I’m new at creating this world of selling paintings faster than I can paint them and if I just give myself some time to adjust to my new direction, that I will evenuatually get there.  I can remember that I’ve been beating the drum of not selling enough for a long time and that the universe takes a while to turn on its axis and create a new energy around my paintings.  I know that I can take my eye off the sales and continue to bask in the beauty of making the paintings.  I also know that I live in a world that wants me to look outside myself to find evidence of my power and so the belief I have that my outside circumstances don’t matter is one that might take a little while to master.  And it doesn’t really matter that I’m having a hard time mastering it today because time doesn’t really matter.  Tomorrow it will get easier, the more I practice the more I will find strength in my belief.  I have been believing that I need to sell lots of paintings to feel good about being a painter, yet what I know is I need to feel good about being a painter to sell lots of paintings.  And feel good I can.  Feeling good is a forte of mine.  I can enjoy being relaxed and use my space to breath and enjoy and take in my like. To look around and feel greateful for my sea view and cute house and slim body and know that if I keep putting on foot in front of the other I will get to my destination.

Don’t ask for what is already yours

I love this quote.  It means that everything you ever desire is already yours. It is waiting for you to meet up with it.  I think the rest of the quote goes something like, instead spend your time being grateful for it. Prepare yourself mentally, physically, emotionally for its arrival.  I love this.  And I often loose sight of it. I think somehow I have to always ask for things, yet in the asking focus on the lack of my desires rather than the presence.  Back in my forties I became acutely aware of this.  I spent much time asking for my desires to be granted and irritated that they were taking so long.  I wanted more money, more success as an artist. I wanted to build my house, create my business, have exhibitions that were fun to host, I wanted more people to visit my studio, to buy my art. I wanted to be fitter. I wanted to buy clothes from my favourite designers, I wanted a ski pass for the winter and a fishing boat for the summer. I wanted a house big enough to have friends to stay as long as they liked.  The desire for these things was strong and the gap from having them was large.  I hadn’t much experience in those days of bridging that gap.  My faith was still weak.  My power with that muscle was underdeveloped.  If I can pin the last ten or so years on learning anything, it is the mastery of bridging the gap between desire and creation.  As they promise in the course of mircles, when you become at one with the energy that unites us all, you merely have to have a glimmer of desire and the powers of creation will fall into place for you.  I’ve had so many experiences with this.  If first happened before I met G.  I had been asking til I was blue in the face for a relationship.  I preyed, I asked my friends what I needed to change.  Was there something I needed to do, to fix, to be.  And one day I stopped asking and started believing he was on his way.  I slept well.  I ate well.  I enjoyed my singleness for I knew my days were numbered.  He was not the first may I met after I had the knowing, but he was the second.  And once I did meet him I had to get over all the barriers I had built against being single in order for the relationship to work, but work it did.  The next major knowing I had, where I stopped asking, stopped hoping and knew it was on its way was success with my art.  I stopped being anxious.  I stopped comparing myself to other artists.  I become joyous with my work again.  I started painting with gusto because I knew the owners of the paintings were on their way.  I felt love and inspiration when I walked into my studio.  I let go of seeking to change, looking to fix what was broken, either within or without of myself and became an artist.  I trusted, totally.  It was a given and give it did.  Today I have a thriving art practice.  People come for my paintings from all around the world.  I paint everyday and feel grateful these days for the days when I struggled.  Its given me compassion.  It stopped me from resting on my laurels.  And it certain stopped me from being the arrogant painter I was when I first experienced success.

When circumstances dont line up

I have read for many years that we have the power to create our own destiny.  That we can chose how we feel no matter what is happening in our surroundings and that the decisions we make in the present moment determine the outcome of future moments.  And that really we can at any point in time choose to focus on our internal life (which even though it feels like is a direct result of our external environment has NOTHING to do with it) and create whatever we want.  That, it seems from spiritual and not so spiritual teachings across the board, is the work of being human.  Letting go of the illusion of environmental forces and embracing the truth of creativity; we have the power at any moment to be conscious of what we create.  And even though I’ve been hearing this message for at least 20 years, loving this message, believing in it, knowing right to my core that it is real, I can still forget it in an instant.  My partner does something I don’t like.  I don’t sell as many paintings as I want, I feel flat, and wham bam I back to thinking its something outside of me that needs to change in order for me to have peace and happiness.  If only G would be more loving. If only I’d make more money. If only I was a size smaller, then I could truly believe that I create my own destiny.  For why on earth would I choose these irritating things in my reality?  But this is the work.  This right here in the nitty gritty of life is the very essence of what it means to choose a spiritual path. Or so I think.  It is taking each of these circumstances and fully choosing them.  Letting go of any resistance to them.  Understanding they are the result of all the decisions I’ve made.  A manifestation of all the vibrations I’ve been sending forth and within them is the key to where I’ve lost my power.  When I get really real with myself I see that I worry I’ll never have the financial freedom I want.  That I’ll never feel the deeply satisfying love that I imagine a relationship will offer.  That my body will hold onto a few kilos just to spite me.  I have moments in all these areas of being absolutely present to my power to create.  A crystal clear knowing sits within me.  My power as a human feels connected to every human that every walked the earth and I know that if someone else had ever experienced what I desire then the possibility of it is open to me. And its the consciousness of that power that gives me a deep sense of the spiritual.  All competitiveness falls away.  All envy, all fear, all need.  And my work as a human at this point in time, is to have more and more of those moments.   So simple, yet so hard.  As I continue on creating my future, writing these words helps to keep my consciousness clean.

Day 23

I feel so fortunate to have what I already have.  My house, my family, my friends, my art practice.  And I love that my art practice is the thing that is making everything else possible.  I love it when people come into my studio and connect immediately with my art. I see that happening more and more often.  Years ago when I first moved to waiheke I had a sign out that front that allowed anyone to happen in if I was there.  I only do that occassionally now.  I get so many people coming by appointment that I can’t just keep the open sign out any more.  I have commissions booked up about six months in advance and I have my two annual shows each year.  It gives me so much pleasure to paint and I love where my painting has gone.  Its more subtle, more secure, more depth, more life and I got to all those spaces without forcing anything.  I did a lot of practice.  Letting go and letting the paintings come though me.  I am happy to report that all the things I thought would happen over the years had. Especially the things that I vizualised clearly and consistantly.  People coming to buy my paintings.  Exhibitions selling out.  Having fun with Jess.  Building the house.  My body being strong and slim.  Having successes in life and love.  I kept a very clear picture of those things and keep being focused on what was working.  I kept being grateful for what I had already achieved and what I already had and sucess started to come more and more quickly.  These days I make a point of thinking about what I want to create next.  I take my time vizualising it very specifically.  What does it feel like.  What does it look like.  What does it smell like.  What will I be wearing when it happens.  For example.  Today I’m thinking about people coming into my studio and buying a painting.  I see myself laughing with then.  Enjoying there company.  We talk and discuss the paintings.  They tell me what they are looking for.  We talk about waht the paintings mean for them and for me.  They choose one they like.  We agree on the payment terms.  I wrap the painting up for them.  They put it in there car and take it away.  I put a red dot on my calendar.  The process is fun and easy and delightful.  I know they are excited by the art work.  They feel it will enhance their lives.  I feel I have made a difference to them.  I feel good about my art work.  I love that it is being loved.  I see this happening more and more.  I see people who have come before coming back again.  Ringing me and asking me to bring a painting they looked at.  I take it to them. I see it hanging on thier wall. They are thrilled.  I am thrilled.  We agree on payment terms. I have another very happy customer.  It is fun being an artist.   Graeme and I are a step closer to building the house.

Day 13

Maddie is a year old and we’ve just got back from Raro.   So cool that we went for a celebration like that.  What a couple of years its been.  The last week really was just that a celebration.  Of maddie, of my realtionship with G, of the years to come of the beginging of our new house, of the start of working with Jess, of a turning point for speedrenting.  We snorkeled, and played at the beach, maddie started walking, we dinned out and ate in.  Jane, Rosanne and I went for long walks while the boys looked after the girls.  Graeme went fishing and caught fish for everyone for a week.  We explored the island in convoy and alone.  We walked through bush, we waded in the water. We shopped at the little road stalls and in the airconditioned shoped.  We laughed, we made love, we had fun.  I see myself doing a celebration trip somewhere every year.  As Maddie gets older will  become more adventruros in our travels.  We’ll go to boreno and to south amercica.  We will hike and mountian bike and try strange food and sleep in interesting places.   We we got back from Raro I found out I had sold a bunch of paintings while I was away.  I sold one in Wellington. The girls there said the lovelest couple came in.  They new my work and had been wanting one of my paintings for ages.  They bought a big work.  I sold one in Queenstown, who hadsn’t sold one in such a long time.  Mark from Queenstown rang me and asked if I could send a few more paintings down.  I sold two from the waiheke gallery.  It was liek old days again, with paintings selling as fast as I could make them.  The meeting with Jess really turned me around. I relexed and that relaxation started turning into sales in a fun and easy way.  I stopped, utterly and totally woring about the money, I knew as I sat there in the meeting that the money would come.  Just like I knew Graeme was on his way and when I read Jon Gabriels book, I just knew I was going to be slim.  All the worry feel away.  It might not be over night, but I knew it would come and its been so lovely just sitting back and watching it come in.  Watching the tide turn. Maybe slowly sometimes and quickly other times, but turn it has and I have left all worry behind.  Now I concentrate of fun and making sure people have somthing they love and making sure I love my paintings and that they are a true expression of me.  It is fun.  It is beautiful.  I am celebrating.

Day 12

I love waking up in the morning in the house that we built.  I love mostly the feel of it.  Quiet, soft, homely, comfortable, like a glove. Sure and simple.  It is a very simple house.  Small and strong with lots of personality, vet very simple in the way it stands on the land.  The view has become part of the house.  When I wake up and draw my curtains nature greets me with a different voice every day, but one that is familiar and loving.  I feel part of it.  I feel part of the house and part of the nature surronding it.  The boundaries between where I start and the world around me have finished have softened over the years.  I know I have a seperate mind, but that is just about the only thing that is seperate.  We share the sun, the weather, the particals, the stuff between the particles.  We all come from the same place and will ultimately return to the same place. That soften me and make me mold into my surroundings with peace that I’ve only found in my forties.  Building my house was a drawn out exercise of non resistance.  It doesn’t pay to get to attached to time frames and to worried about exactly how things will turn out. The more we had a plan and allowed it to bend and sway to the forces that defined it the better the project became.  Costs changed, people didn’t follow their promises, materials changed and in the end it was all fun.  In every instance we got something better than we had imagined.  Every time we let go of something we thought was important a way better result followed.  It became fun for us seeing what more we could bring to the project.  What new delights were instore.  The furnishing of the hosue became such a fun project for me.  I got two helpers, consultants and the results are just right.  We have gone for as high quaility as our budget allowed. Its a work in progress. My walls are ever changing as my art collection changes.  My bed linens are the softest and whitest I could find.  Our knives are few but very sharp.  We have a very simple kitchen.  A set of scary sharp knives.  Four big solid cutting boards a few wooden spoons and a collection of pots, pans, roasting and baking dishes.  There is not much more.  I dislike gadgets so we have a very pared back to basics ktichen.  My towel cupboard has one brand of soft towels.  All matching. I love when I open the door they are all the same.  Just love it.  While I have been part of building my house, I don’t feel like its mine.  It belongs to all who enjoy it. My doors are open to everyone I love.  I if leave this house for another I will love it and thank it for what its given us and love that it will provide happiness for the next folks.

Day 11

I look forward to the day I have such a good exhibition that I can come home and buy graeme a boat.  I won’t even tell him.  I’ll ask Brendon to help me find one, and I’ll just give him the keys and he can go and get it.  Just a small fishing boat that he can take out after work in the summer and go get us dinner.  I love that idea.  I love the idea of being able to take Maddie to LA once a year and visit Jane.  We would go and stay with her in Los Feliz.  We’d rent a car and drive through the hollywood hills, go shopping down in Santa Monica, take walks in Griffith park with Andrew and drive up the coast to Santa Barabara to visit Chad and Mary.  I see myself buying a beautiful road bike and becoming a regular riding out to the bottom end of the island. I’d go during the day when the traffic was light, come wind, rain or shine.  I’d have a place in my garage that makes it easy to clean road bikes. I can see myself riding in a riding out.  I’ll have a couple of sets of comfortable good quality gear to wear.  Great shoes and a jacket that lets me ride in comfort in any weather.  That is what I see.  I see Graeme and I taking long MTB holidays with Maddie when she is older.  We’ll go to the states, hire a car and do a different track every day.  We’ll stay at cheap motels and maybe even camp.  Those are the kind of holiday’s I can’t wait to take with my family.  I see myself as a successful artist in love with life.  My paintings mean something to everyone that buys them.  They feel something about there life everytime they look at them.  I feel them coming to me from a spiritual place and they touch people in a spiritual sense. They touch peoples spirit.  Those that have my paintings grow to love them the more they have them. They raise in value both monetary and sentimental.  They are deeply loved, for both their asethetic and they meaning.  It fills me with reward and a sense of accomplishment to know that I am touching people.  And I love that every time someone buys one of my paintings it effects not just me but my family, Jess and the entire family of the person that will own the painting.  It will be in their family inspiring them to be better people.  That is a good thing to paint for. That is a good thing to get out of bed and create in the morning.  As I go into my day today I will have my heart open. Open to the love and energy of the world.   The abunance of nature, its energy, its cycle its never ending change. Always change. Nothing is static and today I embrace that. I embrace the uncertainly and take everything as it is.  Rain and shine are equally welcomed and enjoyed.  Cold and hot are all good.

Day 10

I love being an artist.  And I love being a sucessful artist.  I love the way the paintings feel when they escape from me. When they produce themselves onto a canvas or board through me.  I love the way the colours develop and the images take place.  I love when people come and see my paintings and fall in love with them. I love the way I feel like i’ve made their world bigger.  They go away feeling enriched and enlarged by a painting that will spend its days reminding them of something important to them.  It is there for refrence forevermore.  I love being part of a happy world.  A world where people enjoy themselves, were goodness and grace and creation are an expected from life.  I love that there are no absolultes.   My art takes me on this journey and I love it for it.  I love the exhibitions I have. I love talking with the poeple and finding out about their lives and there passions, who they are, what is important to them.  And that is my life.  Making paintings, meeting and talking with interesting people.  I meet them in board rooms and exhibition halls and boats and streets.  They come to me more and more often wanting art works, wanting inspiration.  I am offering a depth of wealth to the world and the world is embracing it.  I’m quietly going about my ways and the world is responding. I’m bring wealth and abundance to myself, to Jess, to Liz and most importantly to Graeme and Maddie.  Today I can be the best I can be.  Right now I can be the best I can be. I am an artist today with a beauty to offer, with a message to inspire people with.  I feel the courage to get moving coursing through my veins.  As I get up and start my day I feel a strengh of energy bringing poeple to me. It might not be today or tomorrow that I meet them, but meet them I will.  Buy my paintings they will.  I love the sparkle of excitment that I feel in my body at the thought of the success I am creating.  The house I am building, the boat I’m buying for graeme, the visits to LA with Maddie, the house in Queenstown, the dinner parties, the oportunities open to us through the success of my art works.  I am an artist today and I love it. I’m so greatful for the being able to do something I love. To be able to make a difference to the world and to have fun doing it.

Day 9

I am 42 and I’m thinking back over the last year.  I can’t believe how fast its gone.  We have the consent and design for our house all sorted, graeme has given his work notice and we are going to start building next summer.  My first year with Jess has been a source of abundance and a source of fun.  I don’t ever remember a year when I have laughed so much.  G has become more relaxed about what he is doing.  Jess and I have found a solid working relationship which has bought us both more wealth than we expected and more fun.  Our first exhibition togehter was a sell out show.  We stood in the gallery afterwards, after everone had left and just started giggling.  Look at what we created.  Look at all the red dots.  The show which was to be open for another 4 days had not a single painting left for sale.  We took a couple of commissions over the next few days, got a pile of media interest, there hadn’t been many sell out shows in Auckland over the last few years and established a lot of attention for ourselves.  It gave Graeme the confidence to stop working for three months, to get the plans for the house sorted, and for us to take the first step in having our house.  Noelene has been a trouper. She now comes three days a week and we pay her for child support.  I have maddie two days a week and work one day a week in the studio.  I also have been working a bit in the evening, but its fun rewarding work.  It doesn’t feel like work.  I’m present and relaxed and take each day as it comes.  Liz and I have moved speedrenting on to focus our attention on creating tools for baby boomers to manage their money.  A site where people who are retired can track their assets.  Can figure out the number for this things swapping their assests to their kids for a weekly income.  We want to offer people a way to be clearer about their choices, and to have less stress and worry about money in the later years of their life.  It is taking off.   We haven’t built the site yet, but our mums and our mums friends are testing our program and are loving it.  They are feeling happier and safer and far freer with their money.  We are doing a good thing.  She is doing a good thing.  This business already has a life of its own.  We have enquires coming in every day.  We cannot get the site up and running fast enough.  It gives people tools to have conversations with their kids, with their banks, with their financial advisors.  Its gives children of baby boomer parents tools to have conversations with their parents.   It gives people a way to manage and track their money.  It is a beautiful thing.  What with helping liz, painting, having the house built and Maddie my life is full and fun.  But its not hectic or stressful.  I’m happy with today.  All I can do in this moment is fine. I am not concerned about the future. I’m happy with today and what I can do now.  It am careful not to miss out on today.  And it is a fine day indeed.

Day 8

I am 45, its been four years of stories I will smile about till the day I die.  We have just finished building the the house at Waiheke and we have just bought a setion in Queenstown that we plan to build on.  Waiheke has been such a fab project.  We started builiding it when we had no idea how we were going to do it.  We got plans made, consent drawn up and in the process the money started coming in.  My paintings started selling again.  My Day Club excursions quickly became popular in Auckland, to the point that I had a least two groups a week within a year.  During school term only.  But I would always sell at least one or two paintings and sometimes 4 or five.  It was very cool times.  Jess organised a major sponsor for me and we had our first big exhibition together in 2011.  It was my first sell out show.  It was fun times.  I started getting commissions, I started becoming very well known in auckland as both a destination to visit and an artist to collect.  By 2013 I was selling over 50 paintings a year and last year the average price was just over 5 grand.  Good times.  We rebuilt the studio first.  It is now a beautiful gallery structure with a mesine office floor where guests can also stay.  The house is still small becuase the site is still small, but its so well designed that has plenty of room.  Justin and Lou are up for a couple of design awards for the house.  I’m preying like mad they win them.  The house fits us and our life style so well its genious.  I love lying in bed and looking out at gulf in front of our house.  It wide and open and always changing.  The kids room is still small with its bunks and toys.  But kids don’t need a huge ammont of room.  We have one guest room in the house.  And only one bathroom.  It is accessed by our room like and ensuite and by the rest of the house behind the kitchen.  It was the only true compromise we had to make is not having two bathrooms.  But we had it and it hasn’t been as issue.   In queestown we have way more space and will build a totally different sort of house.  Maddie will know what its like to have a big room down there, but up here its all we need.  I have started making Dad Club booking for next year down in Queenstown as well as up here.  Graeme is about to build the studio down there first again.  That means I can start to mix my time between the two places.  Day Clubs in both places and ultimately a major exhibition in Auckland and Wellington.  And that will be enough.  Dad Club in Queenstown in a whole different thing.  It centers around flying into Queenstown for the day.  I pick folks up at the airport, we go spend an hour or two at the studio, then its off to blanket bay for lunch, then I get them back on a plane.  I also have a deal with Blanket bay whereby I come and pick up guests for a studio tour.  It is a lot of fun.