Intuition and desire

It was the most magical feeling.  Holding a published book in my hand that I wrote.  A book that was to go on to change the world.  A creative, optimistic, spiritual book that allowed poeple to not only fall in love with the aspects of themselves they didn’t like, but came to love and cherish those parts and being the doorway to themselves.  It’s funny how I knew right for writing the first word of that book that I was answering a calling, a long, old calling that had whispered in my ear for as long as I could remember.  The day I started writing it all else fell away.  I had a sense of presence like nothing before. There was no anziety, there was no trying, there was no hard work, no pushing, no stress.  It called itself out of me is the only way I could describe it.  I knew when it started and I knew when it fishished and then the world opened itself up to me to become published. I met people by seeming miracle.  Opporutunities came pouring in.  The book started selling.  The world opened itself up and listened.  It is my legacy to this planet.  It was amazing to me how it happened.  One day I just sat down and wrote it.  It took a month.  Then of course it got edited.  I got three offers from the first round of publishers that I approached.   Magazines got wind of it, I was on the morning tv, I was in NY, I was all over the world all of a sudden.  That was the enormity of it.  Now, as you know, I spend my life giving talks, holding seminars and spreading the teachings from my book. It is a privelidged life.  It is full of love and fun.  Nothing makes me happier than knowing all the people I have touched through my work.  Hearts have been mended.  A more spiritual planet has emerged and I have been part of it.

 

On another note I want to spend a minute cleaning up my vibration.   I am feeling frustrated about my career.  I’m not having as much financial success as I’d like.  It make me feel like I’m doing the wrong thing in the world.  Like I should be doing something I’m not.  That the universe is trying to give me a message that I’m not hearing. Or that I’m trying to create something that is impossible for me to create.  So what I’m really feeling is a lack of power to create.  And this lack of power to create makes me feel like freud.  And it makes me feel frustrated that what I know intellectually is not translating into practice.  So I’m not trusting myself. I”m not trusting my thinking and I’m not trusting the things I believe in.  And underneath that I have a sense of guilt.  Of guilt that I’m not contibuting.  So, there are two things going on with me.  I”m feeling guilty about not contributing and feeling frustrated that I can’t manifest what I want as fast as I’d like.  So let me pick at this and see if I can find some better feeling thoughts about what I’m experiencing right now.  Lets take the last one first.  I’m frustrated that I’m not selling as many paintings as I’d like to right now.  And I can’t make that change right this very minute.  But I can give myself a break.  I can remember that I’m new at creating this world of selling paintings faster than I can paint them and if I just give myself some time to adjust to my new direction, that I will evenuatually get there.  I can remember that I’ve been beating the drum of not selling enough for a long time and that the universe takes a while to turn on its axis and create a new energy around my paintings.  I know that I can take my eye off the sales and continue to bask in the beauty of making the paintings.  I also know that I live in a world that wants me to look outside myself to find evidence of my power and so the belief I have that my outside circumstances don’t matter is one that might take a little while to master.  And it doesn’t really matter that I’m having a hard time mastering it today because time doesn’t really matter.  Tomorrow it will get easier, the more I practice the more I will find strength in my belief.  I have been believing that I need to sell lots of paintings to feel good about being a painter, yet what I know is I need to feel good about being a painter to sell lots of paintings.  And feel good I can.  Feeling good is a forte of mine.  I can enjoy being relaxed and use my space to breath and enjoy and take in my like. To look around and feel greateful for my sea view and cute house and slim body and know that if I keep putting on foot in front of the other I will get to my destination.

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