Archive for October, 2010

Intuition and desire

October 21, 2010

It was the most magical feeling.  Holding a published book in my hand that I wrote.  A book that was to go on to change the world.  A creative, optimistic, spiritual book that allowed poeple to not only fall in love with the aspects of themselves they didn’t like, but came to love and cherish those parts and being the doorway to themselves.  It’s funny how I knew right for writing the first word of that book that I was answering a calling, a long, old calling that had whispered in my ear for as long as I could remember.  The day I started writing it all else fell away.  I had a sense of presence like nothing before. There was no anziety, there was no trying, there was no hard work, no pushing, no stress.  It called itself out of me is the only way I could describe it.  I knew when it started and I knew when it fishished and then the world opened itself up to me to become published. I met people by seeming miracle.  Opporutunities came pouring in.  The book started selling.  The world opened itself up and listened.  It is my legacy to this planet.  It was amazing to me how it happened.  One day I just sat down and wrote it.  It took a month.  Then of course it got edited.  I got three offers from the first round of publishers that I approached.   Magazines got wind of it, I was on the morning tv, I was in NY, I was all over the world all of a sudden.  That was the enormity of it.  Now, as you know, I spend my life giving talks, holding seminars and spreading the teachings from my book. It is a privelidged life.  It is full of love and fun.  Nothing makes me happier than knowing all the people I have touched through my work.  Hearts have been mended.  A more spiritual planet has emerged and I have been part of it.

 

On another note I want to spend a minute cleaning up my vibration.   I am feeling frustrated about my career.  I’m not having as much financial success as I’d like.  It make me feel like I’m doing the wrong thing in the world.  Like I should be doing something I’m not.  That the universe is trying to give me a message that I’m not hearing. Or that I’m trying to create something that is impossible for me to create.  So what I’m really feeling is a lack of power to create.  And this lack of power to create makes me feel like freud.  And it makes me feel frustrated that what I know intellectually is not translating into practice.  So I’m not trusting myself. I”m not trusting my thinking and I’m not trusting the things I believe in.  And underneath that I have a sense of guilt.  Of guilt that I’m not contibuting.  So, there are two things going on with me.  I”m feeling guilty about not contributing and feeling frustrated that I can’t manifest what I want as fast as I’d like.  So let me pick at this and see if I can find some better feeling thoughts about what I’m experiencing right now.  Lets take the last one first.  I’m frustrated that I’m not selling as many paintings as I’d like to right now.  And I can’t make that change right this very minute.  But I can give myself a break.  I can remember that I’m new at creating this world of selling paintings faster than I can paint them and if I just give myself some time to adjust to my new direction, that I will evenuatually get there.  I can remember that I’ve been beating the drum of not selling enough for a long time and that the universe takes a while to turn on its axis and create a new energy around my paintings.  I know that I can take my eye off the sales and continue to bask in the beauty of making the paintings.  I also know that I live in a world that wants me to look outside myself to find evidence of my power and so the belief I have that my outside circumstances don’t matter is one that might take a little while to master.  And it doesn’t really matter that I’m having a hard time mastering it today because time doesn’t really matter.  Tomorrow it will get easier, the more I practice the more I will find strength in my belief.  I have been believing that I need to sell lots of paintings to feel good about being a painter, yet what I know is I need to feel good about being a painter to sell lots of paintings.  And feel good I can.  Feeling good is a forte of mine.  I can enjoy being relaxed and use my space to breath and enjoy and take in my like. To look around and feel greateful for my sea view and cute house and slim body and know that if I keep putting on foot in front of the other I will get to my destination.

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Don’t ask for what is already yours

October 18, 2010

I love this quote.  It means that everything you ever desire is already yours. It is waiting for you to meet up with it.  I think the rest of the quote goes something like, instead spend your time being grateful for it. Prepare yourself mentally, physically, emotionally for its arrival.  I love this.  And I often loose sight of it. I think somehow I have to always ask for things, yet in the asking focus on the lack of my desires rather than the presence.  Back in my forties I became acutely aware of this.  I spent much time asking for my desires to be granted and irritated that they were taking so long.  I wanted more money, more success as an artist. I wanted to build my house, create my business, have exhibitions that were fun to host, I wanted more people to visit my studio, to buy my art. I wanted to be fitter. I wanted to buy clothes from my favourite designers, I wanted a ski pass for the winter and a fishing boat for the summer. I wanted a house big enough to have friends to stay as long as they liked.  The desire for these things was strong and the gap from having them was large.  I hadn’t much experience in those days of bridging that gap.  My faith was still weak.  My power with that muscle was underdeveloped.  If I can pin the last ten or so years on learning anything, it is the mastery of bridging the gap between desire and creation.  As they promise in the course of mircles, when you become at one with the energy that unites us all, you merely have to have a glimmer of desire and the powers of creation will fall into place for you.  I’ve had so many experiences with this.  If first happened before I met G.  I had been asking til I was blue in the face for a relationship.  I preyed, I asked my friends what I needed to change.  Was there something I needed to do, to fix, to be.  And one day I stopped asking and started believing he was on his way.  I slept well.  I ate well.  I enjoyed my singleness for I knew my days were numbered.  He was not the first may I met after I had the knowing, but he was the second.  And once I did meet him I had to get over all the barriers I had built against being single in order for the relationship to work, but work it did.  The next major knowing I had, where I stopped asking, stopped hoping and knew it was on its way was success with my art.  I stopped being anxious.  I stopped comparing myself to other artists.  I become joyous with my work again.  I started painting with gusto because I knew the owners of the paintings were on their way.  I felt love and inspiration when I walked into my studio.  I let go of seeking to change, looking to fix what was broken, either within or without of myself and became an artist.  I trusted, totally.  It was a given and give it did.  Today I have a thriving art practice.  People come for my paintings from all around the world.  I paint everyday and feel grateful these days for the days when I struggled.  Its given me compassion.  It stopped me from resting on my laurels.  And it certain stopped me from being the arrogant painter I was when I first experienced success.

When circumstances dont line up

October 17, 2010

I have read for many years that we have the power to create our own destiny.  That we can chose how we feel no matter what is happening in our surroundings and that the decisions we make in the present moment determine the outcome of future moments.  And that really we can at any point in time choose to focus on our internal life (which even though it feels like is a direct result of our external environment has NOTHING to do with it) and create whatever we want.  That, it seems from spiritual and not so spiritual teachings across the board, is the work of being human.  Letting go of the illusion of environmental forces and embracing the truth of creativity; we have the power at any moment to be conscious of what we create.  And even though I’ve been hearing this message for at least 20 years, loving this message, believing in it, knowing right to my core that it is real, I can still forget it in an instant.  My partner does something I don’t like.  I don’t sell as many paintings as I want, I feel flat, and wham bam I back to thinking its something outside of me that needs to change in order for me to have peace and happiness.  If only G would be more loving. If only I’d make more money. If only I was a size smaller, then I could truly believe that I create my own destiny.  For why on earth would I choose these irritating things in my reality?  But this is the work.  This right here in the nitty gritty of life is the very essence of what it means to choose a spiritual path. Or so I think.  It is taking each of these circumstances and fully choosing them.  Letting go of any resistance to them.  Understanding they are the result of all the decisions I’ve made.  A manifestation of all the vibrations I’ve been sending forth and within them is the key to where I’ve lost my power.  When I get really real with myself I see that I worry I’ll never have the financial freedom I want.  That I’ll never feel the deeply satisfying love that I imagine a relationship will offer.  That my body will hold onto a few kilos just to spite me.  I have moments in all these areas of being absolutely present to my power to create.  A crystal clear knowing sits within me.  My power as a human feels connected to every human that every walked the earth and I know that if someone else had ever experienced what I desire then the possibility of it is open to me. And its the consciousness of that power that gives me a deep sense of the spiritual.  All competitiveness falls away.  All envy, all fear, all need.  And my work as a human at this point in time, is to have more and more of those moments.   So simple, yet so hard.  As I continue on creating my future, writing these words helps to keep my consciousness clean.