Every day is a winding road

I’m not sure what to write about today.  Its a beautiful day.  I’m sitting in my queenstown house thinking about all the events of the last ten years and I’m not sure which were the biggest turning points, which were the greatest achievements (Maddie aside).  My art career has flourished.  I’ve sold a business for millions.  I write books that people want to read.  I have a house I love.  A partner I adore.  A child I’d lay my life on the line for.   There is no question of what more could a girl want, becuase now I love creating whatever it is that takes hold of me.  I’m excited about what next.  I have come to love the art of wanting.  It fires me up.  It gets me moving.  I’m planning to write about the blessing of eating disorders. I’d like to give girls in the same boat as me the ability to see the good that comes from such a hideous experience.   It would be part of ending the western famine.  Ten years ago people thought eating disorders were about body image.  There was a huge sense of shame.  There was a shallowness associated with it.  Magazines got blamed.  Girls felt trapped and embarrassed.  Counciling was advised.  And sure, some of those things were helpful, but by and large they didn’t help and were simply totally off course.  It wasn’t until I was in my mid to late thirties that I really got a handle on it.  It wasn’t until I had the realisation that my body wanted to binge that I could have any power over it.  My body was so starving for nutrients that my body would demand to be feed and in large quantities.  When I started eating benefical nutrients it was like I could start to breath again after years of trying to hold my breath.  That was ten years ago.  Ten years of good eating, daily vizualisations, a lot of love and attention and today I have the body I’ve always wanted.  Slim, fit, full of life and vitality.  It wasn’t until I understood what an amazing thing my body was could I be totally free from food obsessed thoughts.  Free from unnecessary fat.  Free from feeling unsafe.  These days I have so much less stress in my life.  I feel gentle and peaceful.  I have lots of laughter.  And all that has nothing to do with the success I’ve had along the way.  It would be easy to make the mistake of thinking it did.  Sure, those things bring me joy.  But I got happy and peaceful and gentle before those things came along. They are the side effect.  It was like I had to love my body, care for it, have clothes that fitted it properly, love it every minute, before it was free of starvation.  The sickness came when I thought I had to be thin first and then all the other things would come.  Oh the illusions of this world.  So simple.  So easy.  Yet so hard to master.   Its a winding road, but a good one.

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