An unshakable belief in myself

When I close my eyes at night, before I go to sleep, I like to picture who I am.  I call this my unshakable belief in myself.  Of course its not who I am in the spiritual sense, but who I am from a playful, this is what I imagine my life to be point of view.  The spiritual while probably the most important to me is what is behind all of the obvious stuff.  The painter, the writer, the mother, the businesswoman.  That’s all just a game.  A fasade for the real stuff in the background.  The forgiver, the observer, the lover, the timeless, eternal being.  The bit that connects us all to each other.  The bit that when all else moves away is steadfast, dependable, beutiful and peaceful.  But its not that stuff that I rest my mind on just before I go to bed.  Its the game.  Its the creativity that I ponder on for a minute..  Who am I choosing to be.  I’ve become more and more certain that who we are is a matter of choice.  That what looks like unyielding circumstance is just an illusion. One that most people, still to this day, although its changing rapidly, believe is the truth. Oh how the world can twist itself in knots over the truth.  I’m about as interested in the truth as I am in dental surgery.  Anyway, I stray.  I let my mind wander to my belief in who I am.  I imagine the fun I have as a painter.  I see the exhibitions unfold in front of me.  I see the people buying my paintings. I see my houses that Justin and Lou designed.  I see the holidays I’ve taken with Jane and David hiking in the european alps.  I see the delight on my loved ones faces when I offer them gifts, unexpected and delighted in.  I see myself skiing in montains full of adrenaline.  I see myself writing in at a mac looking out over a view that toches every nerve in my body.  I imagine Graeme and I learning new things about each other even in our ninties, giggling, talking, loving each other more every year that passes.  I see the world I live in become one of possibilities, of challenge of excitement, of grace and determination.  I look back over the last ten years, when I started writing every day and I see how important those few mintues when I close my eyes and go to sleep have become.  I anticipate them each night.  I climb into bed excited and thrilled that I can take that time.  My sleeping has become deep and restful and nurturing.  I wake everymore full of energy.  I have the right decisions to make in front of me and I make them easily.  I have let go of fretting or fear.   I take on way more than I know how to manage.  I enjoy challenge and excitement.  I surround myself with happy, successful people.  I wouldn’t give those ten years up for anything.  50 is a blessing.


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